You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
You Might Also Like
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.