Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
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Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents