Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
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Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.