Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
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WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
That’s no pocket rocket.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”