I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
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“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Raisins are grape jerky.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.