I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
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Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
🤣🤣
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”