Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
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When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
best first i’ve ever seen
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now