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If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
I needed a laugh this morning.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
#NeverForget
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.