Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
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There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.