Give a baker flours on your first date.
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Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.