I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
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“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
As the Lord intended
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”