The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
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Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
#Thanos #MondayMood
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.