The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
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Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.