Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
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Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
good let them take over I have had enough
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja