[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
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WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
I can’t be the only one 😂
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
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How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
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would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.