Just got to our Airbnb!
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Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.