I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
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I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”