“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
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Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Goat cheese is for herders.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
#JohnTravolta
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”