My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
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Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]