My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
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Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Mornin
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!