Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
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Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
choose your gary
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.