Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
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love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector