Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
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I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”