this makes me so uncomfortable
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During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy