Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
You Might Also Like
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
🍞🦆
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.