[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
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VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.