cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
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*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
I have a black belt in leather
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK