UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
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My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.