Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
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my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.