Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
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her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”