which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
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Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
HOW DARE YOU
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
looks legit
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop