*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
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My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic