I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
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Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Jogging
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.