toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
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Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Don’t touch that.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.