No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
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Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
me irl
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage