*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
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Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.