Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
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Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
why isn’t he texting back
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.