*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
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I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”