Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
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[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.