him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
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My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.