I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
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I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
adam and eve had first world problems
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*