Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
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I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
your honor my client chooses dare
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
The sacred texts.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Jesus Christ lmao
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.