Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
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Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved