Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
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Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
m’lady
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?