The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
You Might Also Like
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
I need better friends
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Happy thanksgiving!
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.