Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
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”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Born to be mild.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.