I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
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The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Vodka burrito was a success
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?