It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
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I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]