[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
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The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Note to self: always read the final line
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
23. the denim jacket
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out