Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
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It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.